Joe rocks his kicks... and describes the dangers of clubbin' and leg braces

Verbal Balance/SpokenWord. Wednesday, June 17, 2009. PART THREE. 

Next up, the Emcee announced, was Joe. “Our Joe?” I swiveled around to ask the director, Scott, seated behind me. Scott shrugged, nodded and a second later, Joe, an employee at the Chicago Center, struggled up from his seat. His leg braces clanked as he jolted to the front of the group assembled.

“Has he ever done this before?” I asked Scott.

“I don’t think so,” Scott said.

“I’m going to do a stand-up routine,” Joe said. “It’s my first time, so, uh, bear with me.”

And he began. His entire routine was based on his disability and it was one of the funniest, bravest things I have ever heard. I took notes, even while I was shaking with laughter and I’m jotting them down here.

First topic? Goin’ to the clubs.

Joe said: “The problem with clubs—they combine two things I hate more than any other. Dancing and moving in crowded spaces….

“So, I’m standing at the bar, talking to a girl and things are going well. I mean, she even looked over my kicks. Some guys have the, uh, Air Jordans and I am rockin my Kmart special. (Joe shows off his super supportive white shoes, the type worn by old ladies.) So things are goin’ well. And then she utters those two horrible words: ‘Wanna dance?’ It’s then that I remember the movie Hitch and the wise words of one character. Women equate dance with sex and I think… oh, shit…

“The problem with dancing is you move your arms, and then you move your legs. Well, I can do one of them, but the combination just… stumps me. It doesn’t work. So, it’s a little like… DJ, hit me up with some music!... (DJ obliges and Joe does a cute, awkward dance with all of us cheering him on.)

Next topic? 4 am bars.

“Three bad things about them—there’s dancing, I got my leg braces and by this point… I’m fucked up…”

Joe continues to tell about the time he arrived at one, hammered, and fell down. After that, the bar tender refused to sell him drinks. Joe was livid—“You don’t understand! I’m not drunk!” he yelled, “I’ve got a disability!” When the bar tender still refused to sell him drinks, drunk Joe yelled: “I’m gonna sue your ass!”